Last week was my third wedding anniversary. Tomorrow I will be divorced. Friday I will turn 27 years old. It’s a big week to round out a very big change in my life.
At this point there’s so much to say, I’m not sure where to start. I suppose at the climax may be strange, but that’s where I left off.
My last blog post was December 4, 2012. A few weeks after that we were in Texas with my family for Christmas and on the Eve, a day my mother, sister and I especially were trying to simultaneously celebrate my father’s birthday and grieve his death, my husband lost himself in a drunk rage at the dinner table and essentially brought all of the terrible things I had been hiding in our marriage out into the light. He left for DC the next day and I spent a week with my family explaining all of the fights, emotional and verbal abuse, infidelity, financial stressors and alcoholism, some of which I had been trying to gloss over for years and some of which I had been trying to hide for less than a year.
I still don’t know what made me do that. Mainly I think I was scared of being on my own with twin newborns or thought that it would get better and that we were just having a rough time adjusting to life with kids. But it wasn’t that. He broke his hand punching our apartment wall within the first week of the boys being out of the NICU, because he couldn’t handle them crying after a full day out of the house. Instead of that being a wake-up call for either of us, he used it as an excuse not to change diapers for two months and I just pushed all emotion down and decided that I was essentially on my own in this.
We had great times and were good together in many ways for a long time. There’s no doubt you’ll find happy, wonderful pictures of us and people who will say we were so amazing together they just can’t believe we split, but there was the side we portrayed publicly and the side which always stayed hidden. I think there are probably a lot of couples and families out there in the same situation.
I flew home to DC after New Year’s 2013 and after an argument the next day, he agreed his alcoholism was a problem and stopped drinking. The next weekend on the way to meet friends for lunch, he was enraged while driving and scared me more than I have ever been before, all with the boys in the backseat of the car. That night the argument ended with him throwing the toaster oven across the kitchen hard enough to break a kitchen cabinet and my telling him to leave immediately. He signed a lease on another apartment the next morning and I breathed a sigh of relief.
I can’t tell you how much that feeling of relief spoke of the situation. At the time, I was 100% willing to work through the issues with therapy, but my overwhelming inclination was that the boys and I were now safe. And no matter how hard things were going to be, we were infinitely better off. I have never lost that feeling, even for a moment.
It’s been one year, one month and twelve days since then. And tomorrow I go to the court and file for my divorce to be granted. I think I will once again have an overwhelming sense of relief the minute the final paperwork is in my hand. Not because it has been easy or I expect it to be easier now, but because I finally got here. It’s been a war and I’ve been on the battlefield fighting to keep my footing when the other side changes the rules and runs trick plays. Trying to stay balanced for my kids, for myself, for my friends and family as much as I can. Trying to still make his life easier and better and being nice when I shouldn’t have, and ultimately was walked over again. Slowly picking myself up of the floor again and again to say the same things, take the same precautions, navigate the same choppy waters. I’m just so tired of it all.
So I will be relieved when this major battle is over and hope that on the other side of the divorce wall is a way to make things continuously better for my boys. Find ways to keep their dad in their lives even when I feel he’s irresponsible or selfish or careless with them and their thoughts and feelings – I do believe he loves them and he’s trying to be a better man (and has made good strides already). I want to find life and love easy again, though always with caution going forward. I laugh a lot, but want to laugh more. Feel joyous and alive and not still be standing on the knife edge I’ve been living on for three years.
I can’t wait to start this new lovely, crazy chapter with my boys, my family and my friends (my biggest blessings, for which I’m grateful on a daily basis).
I can’t wait to be free.
And part of that involves me getting back to posting about the amazing and chaotic life I have. Maybe it’ll interest you, maybe not. What I post might make you happy, sad, angry or nothing at all, but I guarantee I’ll be a lot more candid going forward than I was before. I won’t say I’m not going to put a little glitter on things now and then or conveniently forget to tell you that I lost a #puttogetherpoint for not showering before work one day. But I’ve made up my mind to be more honest, both with myself and others and lead the boys by example.
For now I just want to get back to saying hello to those out in the vast interwebs and update my friends and family on how freaking cute the boys are and what awesome, genius and mischievous things they’re getting in to.
Because let’s be honest, they’re amazing:
So let’s get started again, shall we?
Yours in fun and chaos,